Tympanum Puerta del Perdón, Cathedral of Toledo ~ Typananum Door of Forgiveness (Wiki Image)

The heart is like a garden. It can grow compassion or fear, resentment or love.
What seeds will you plant there? ~{JACK KORNFIELD}

I saw a video on youtube titled “Forgiveness and the Freedom of Letting Go” tonight and it reminded me of my journey to forgiveness.

i began to sow those seeds in 2004 and it took me five years to really get it, to literally know it and to honestly feel it. now pretty much any time something adverse happens to me, i am able to forgive faster, move through the pain or disappointment exponentially quicker, and return to living in the calm and peaceful state of a quantum nowness i have created for myself.

my mother told me very early on in life (perhaps when i was six or seven years old) that holding a grudge or a grievance was bad for one’s health (mind & body & soul), and i had practiced forgiveness of many people who had grieved me or trespassed against me. but still there were a few who were eerie ghosts fading in and out of my thoughts and others who i considered “dead to me” ~ which was one of the ways i dealt with trying to forgive, but it wasn’t really letting go.

i needed to understand that forgiveness didn’t mean i condoned what they did nor that i had to reconcile with them, and that ultimately i would have to allow myself to let go of the pain, to let go of the haunting memories and to really forgive «me». by doing this i would speed up the healing process, i would be healthier and i would truly live in the present.

Here is a letter i wrote inspired by what i was reading and contemplating (including several Wayne Dyer books) in 2004 as i started on my path and the first stage to true forgiveness:

HIGHER ENERGY 03 june 2004

Forgiveness lets others know that we no longer wish to be in a state of hostility with them.  It also frees us from the self-defeating energy / emotion of resentment, hate – which is like a venom in our body.

When we forgive ourselves, forgive others, we feel better, we are more at peace.

Everything we are against weakens us / Everything we are for strengthens us.  A weakened person will never become empowered, until the negative thoughts are removed.

For the past several years, I have been learning to stop taking everything so personally… easier to do when i don’t know the person attacking or judging me – so much more difficult when someone i know judges me.

And i am also learning to give up my past / personal history as a definition of me now… embracing the past to give me strength to transform it into song, poem, words, pictures on the big screen, if i feel the need to do so OR i throw it away.

I have also changed my mind on how i perceive certain relationships… where i once thought was ‘wrong’ with the person/relationship, i did a paradigm shift and looked at what was right or good about the relationship.  I changed my perception of it, and rather quickly – as paradigm shift often happen.

I am working towards not being resentful.  Resentment lets us turn control over and someone else can manipulate us.

When we stop resenting them and take responsibility [own it] we have a chance to control our problem, remove our problem or learn from it.  We can work towards changing us – since it’s nearly impossible to change someone else.

When we feel offended [by someone being rude, arrogant, insensitive, evil], we’re passing judgment. We allow their perceived ill conduct to control how he feel – upset or offended.

Difficult people we know can teach us lessons on how to get along with the rest of the world.  Forgiveness of people is one of the ways to align yourself with good things – since forgiving them is so personally difficult to do.

I’ve been going thru a lot right now, and practicing a positive & different approach to my life.  This point of view has helped me to understand a lot of principles i knew about from my wild, liberal, upbringing. I hope some of it might help you… if it doesn’t work for you, perhaps you’ll at least understand where i’m at right now. ~s

In 2007, i discovered that unconsciously i hadn’t really let go of the hurt, even though i had consciously and literally let go of the person. i needed to authentically forgive, and truly heal in order to move on. for several years my truths had not been the same as another’s truths and reconciling that fact helped me to transform and shift to a new paradigm.

i started the second stage of forgiveness by reading what has become my favorite book on forgiveness – FORGIVE FOR GOOD: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness by Dr. Frederic Luskin, Ph.D. – recommended by my former marriage/divorce counselor and neurotherapist. This recommendation and the steps in the Forgive For Good book from the Director and Cofounder of The Stanford University Forgiveness Project are what helped me the most in cultivating forgiveness.

9 Steps to Forgiveness

1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.

2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.

3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the “peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story.”

4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes – or ten years -ago. Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings.

5. At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body’s flight or fight response.

6. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life , that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the “unenforceable rules” you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, peace and prosperity and work hard to get them.

7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want.

8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you. Forgiveness is about personal power.

9. Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.

The practice of forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, hurt depression and stress and leads to greater feelings of hope, peace, compassion and self confidence. Practicing forgiveness leads to healthy relationships as well as physical health. It also influences our attitude which opens the heart to kindness, beauty, and love. ~Dr. Fred Luskin (to contact Fred send an email to: fred@learningtoforgive.com)

here is what i wrote up in 2008 from the FORGIVE FOR GOOD book which became one of my daily mantras (& nightly meditations) and an important part of my third stage of letting go and forgiving:

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